There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
