we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
