I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
