Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
