FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
