you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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