Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
They took my balls.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.