TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
