Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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