i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
