no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
