True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
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I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
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This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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