he thought i was a dude.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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