wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
