remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
