her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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