I cut my penus on the lid.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
