I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
