i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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