Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
