im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
