so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I will pee on everything he values.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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