My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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