Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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