Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
