I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
