ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
