I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
there's paper in my vomit.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
