Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
