i barfeds in our rink
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
