Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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