You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
