i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
