i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
