I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
