hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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