so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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