Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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