I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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