you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
