everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
