I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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