I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
