Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
