just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
