He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
