rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
