who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
