I wish I could punch you in the face.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
