so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
