Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
