Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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