This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I need to sanitize my soul.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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