All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
honey bunches of taint.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
