I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
