i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
