One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
