Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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