either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
