My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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