He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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