You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
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I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
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SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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