I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
